


bloom, once more.

by bnuuytime



Category: A3! (Video Game)
Genre: Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, Intrusive Thoughts, brief reference to suicide, harugumi family..., tw//
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:31:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25360162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bnuuytime/pseuds/bnuuytime
Summary: August died that day.December was laid to rest.But April had to keep on living, for their sake.Or so he thought.It takes the help of one dead family and one living family to help April find Chikage Utsuki again.
Relationships: August & Mikage Hisoka & Utsuki Chikage, August & Utsuki Chikage, Chigasaki Itaru & Citron & Minagi Tsuzuru & Sakuma Sakuya & Usui Masumi & Utsuki Chikage
Comments: 16
Kudos: 59





	bloom, once more.

**Author's Note:**

> hello everyone! this is my first a3 fic, and also my longest fic to date. that's pretty wild!
> 
> if liber isn't going to give chikage his emotional closure, i'm going to do it myself". that's the thought process that inspired this fic, ahaha. at the time of my writing this harugumi's seventh play has literally just dropped, so i'm hoping that the event story of said play makes this entire fic seem hilarious and redundant in future. @ liber!! please let us learn more about chikage!! let him have his closure!! i'm keeping my fingers crossed.
> 
> a bIG BIG thank you to lancy for beta-ing this fic for me! you were such a huge help. (please go check out their fics over at tiramiis on here! they are Crazy Talented and have inspired me a lot!!)
> 
> in case you didn't see the tags, just a quick trigger warning that this fic contains instances of intrusive thoughts, and a later brief reference to suicide. please read with caution if these are sensitive topics for you!
> 
> MAJOR spoiler warning for act 5, risky game and scarlet mirror!! please don't read this fic if you haven't read those stories.
> 
> feel free to follow me on twitter @splashstarry if you want to scream with me about a3/harugumi/chikage/anything at all! 
> 
> i hope you enjoy.

Hisoka was sitting in his usual spot in the Mankai courtyard, staring wistfully up at the waning moon. The stray cat he had been idly playing with just moments ago had wandered off in favour of other pleasures, so he found himself alone. Well, it wasn’t as though he didn’t enjoy the quiet, he admitted, exhaling deeply. It had been a much more exhausting day than usual, that’s for sure. 

”Hey, Hisoka.” 

His moment of peace was tragically brief. Craning his head past the trees, he caught sight of none other than Chikage walking towards him, a small bag in hand. As he came closer, Hisoka could see several brightly coloured bags of snacks through the plastic. He squinted, first at the bag, then at the one carrying it. 

“What’s that for..?”

“Lead roles don’t happen every day. I thought we could celebrate.”

“Why-“

“Oh come on. Contrary to popular belief, I _am_ capable of some acts of basic human kindness.” Chikage shook his head, taking a seat on the bench beside his brother. “Now go ahead, eat. The guy at the convenience store gave me a weird look when he saw all this sweet stuff in my shopping basket as opposed to my usual, so be grateful.”

“Heh.” Hisoka grinned as he conjured up the mental image of Chikage’s awkward visit to the store. “Thanks, Chikage.”

  
  


The two sat in comfortable silence for a while, wrapped in their own thoughts. It didn’t take a psychic for them to know that the other was thinking of August, and how they would always do exactly this back in the day to celebrate the end of a successful mission. 

“You were pretty good up there, you know. For a moment you almost made me forget that you’re such a useless sleepyhead when you’re off the stage.”

“Every nice thing you’ve said and done tonight has just been ruined.” Hisoka said, though Chikage was unable to take his brother’s begrudged look and tone seriously while he ate the sweets before him with the eagerness of a child. 

“What? Take it as Risky Game’s first review.”

“I don’t want your review.”

“Mm, your loss.”

Their conversation fizzled out naturally, both fixing their eyes on the vast stretch of sky beyond the old building. Hisoka hugged his knees to his chest, letting strands of hair fall into his eyes as he recalled everything that had happened in the lead-up to the performance. It had all gone by in the blink of an eye, but he cherished every second of it deeply. 

“I went to visit the cliff with everyone in Winter.” He said in a near whisper, breaking the silence.

“Is that so?” Chikage said, a look of genuine surprise washing over him.

“Yeah. Told them about August, too.” Upon seeing the other’s eyes widen in concern, he added; “I didn’t tell them about the organisation. Just August. Just how he was special to me, and that he died. Nothing more.” He heard Chikage exhale in relief. 

“I really thought you’d gone and run your mouth for a moment there.”

It was just then Chikage realised something. He only ever known August as well, August. _Codename_ : August. A member of the organisation, his senior - even if he was his close family on top of that. Since that night, the night that had forcefully ripped him away from everything he thought he knew, he realised that he had completely forgotten that August was his own person outside of the organisation. 

Chikage had forgotten that _he_ was his own person outside of the organisation. 

But whether he believed that to be true was another story.

  
  


Despite the past few months’ life-changing events; despite the new family he had found in Mankai, even despite his return to happiness and what he could say was his true self - his better sense still knew that the organisation was everything. Nothing could change that. To live as himself, as an actor, as Chikage Utsuki - it simply wasn’t a luxury he could afford to have. That much was true. 

Chikage was well aware that August’s final wish was for both himself and Hisoka to live freely in a new life. But at the same time, his better sense would chime in again, reminding him of the circumstances, and telling him that above all else, August wouldn’t want his precious family to be in danger, either. _That’s why I have to stay - to protect him_ . He reminds himself again and again, as many times as it takes, if ever he feels himself slipping too far into the sleepy warmth and comfort of his new life. _Protect him, no matter the cost_. 

He looked over at the person in question, who had already finished his second bag of marshmallows. A smile was spread across his face. _He must be thinking of the Winter guys_ , Chikage mused.

“They were really understanding.” Hisoka continued. “I was so happy.”

“I’m sure they were. That’s good.” Was all Chikage replied with. _A bunch of happy fools. Happy acting fools_ , he thought. _Immersed in their scripts, dolled up in their costumes, not harboring a care in the world. Lost in the world of the play. Together._

… 

_Together._

  
  


“Zzz…”

Promptly snapping out of his daze, he realised that Hisoka had long since drifted off. 

“Good grief.” He muttered, lamenting the fact that this now meant it was his job to carry him back to his room. After clearing up the various empty snack bags, he stood with a stretch, ready to reluctantly hoist his brother up onto his back. But he found himself pausing for a moment, observing the peace on his face. It was unlike his usual sleeping expression - it seemed almost as if he was smiling, maybe even glowing. For a moment, a wave of bittersweetness washed over Chikage.

“You really got the lucky break, didn’t you.” He remarked, his tone much more tender than anticipated, to the point that it even surprised him. It wasn’t as if he was jealous of Hisoka. In fact, he could safely say that his carefree nature made him sick. And yet; to laze around all day, a supply of your favourite food never too far away, surrounded by people that you can say and do anything with, laughing as they go along with your selfish whims - it didn’t sound half bad. The guys in Spring came to mind, as Chikage pictured how they would react if he were more like his brother. A faint chuckle passed his lips. 

_Tsuzuru would be pulling his hair out_ , he thought, shaking his head as if to disperse the seeds of the idea.

With his brother’s sleeping body now draped over his back, Chikage set off for Room 205.

  
  


As he trudged up the stairs, the weight of the person he carried seemed equal to that which was on his mind. _August, Hisoka, the organisation…_ he had hoped that on a rare tranquil night such as this he could forget everything just once, live in the moment if only for a few hours. 

But even that seemed like too much of an indulgence.

_Selfish._

_You’re selfish._

  
  


At last he made it to the door. Rapping on it with his knuckles, an ever-jovial Homare greeted him seconds after.

“Special delivery.”

“Ah! My thanks, dear Chikage-kun. I’ll take care of him from here.”

  
  


_He knows about August._

It took a moment for Chikage to process this after Homare had closed the door. Sure, he didn’t know too much about August. But it still felt strange. He respected Hisoka’s decision, and yet… it made him feel vulnerable, exposed; almost as if August was some sort of precious secret that was only his. Discerning that this was a childish way of thinking about a person, Chikage tried his best to just forget it.

_It was his decision._

_He told them, and it appears that they’re closer now. They practically know each other inside-out._

He clicked his tongue, peering out over the empty courtyard from atop the balcony.

_…_

_Maybe he’s stronger than I am for that._

  
  


\--

  
  


At last, the mixed plays had ended. With that, Mankai entered its season of limbo, the halls and rooms in an uncharacteristic state of quiet. The lead-up to Scarlet Mirror had been stressful to say the least, what with sibling drama times two as well as the organisation suddenly showing up in its midst. Chikage should have expected it to happen sooner or later, yet he commended himself on his preparedness in dealing with it, at least.

_You wouldn’t have been able to protect him then if you got too comfortable by now._

_You did good._

He grimaced. After all of that, the play itself, while fun, had left him physically and mentally shattered. But now, with nothing happening and nothing to strive towards, this was the perfect time for his thoughts to catch up with him. 

  
  


Slumped alone by the common room window in the late hours of the evening, the excited chatter of the students had long since faded into background static. Chikage watched the rain hammer against the windowpane, absentmindedly tapping his fingers against his mug in time with the drops. He felt a unique kind of empty, fuelled by his recent lack of sleep. His mind seemed to constantly wander back to his conversation with Hisoka after Risky Game, echoing back the realisations it had triggered in him, for better or worse.

_You could tell the Spring Troupe about August._

His grip on his mug tightened as the exact idea he had been trying to stop from taking root for months now caused perfervid waves in his mind.

_No._

_No._

_If you told them, you would be in too deep._

_Don’t show weakness._

_Truth is weakness._

_Don’t get comfortable._

_Don’t burden them._

_Protect them._

Those same statements blared in his head over and over again until they blended into an unbearable cacophony of sound. Clutching his head with his free head, Chikage tried his hardest to tune back into reality, if only to make it stop. 

  
  


“Chikage?” The chaos in his mind came to a screeching halt as he heard a familiar voice call out his name. “Chikage, what’s wrong?” _It’s a wonder that he’s not asleep_ , he immediately thought.

“Nothing.” He shot back, not breaking his gaze away from the window.

“No, not nothing. You always wear August’s hoodie when something’s wrong.” Hisoka tried to stand between Chikage and the window in an attempt to get his brother to look at him properly, a habit of his that only made Chikage more determined to avoid making eye contact.

“Well, how do you know this isn’t my hoodie?”

“There’s still powdered sugar stains on it.”

Chikage found himself smiling faintly. He just didn’t have the heart to wash it, no matter how bad it both looked and smelled by now. “Plus,” Hisoka continued after a pause, “it’s a little too small on you.”

“Shut up.”

A cold silence fell between them. The rain slowed to a sudden stop, only making it more uncomfortable.

“Is it about July?”

“No.”

“Me?”

“No! Since when were you this nosy?”

“Have you forgotten everything that’s happened recently? Was all of that not enough to prove it to you?” He was much more heated than usual, his words packing a punch. “I know it’s about the organisation. When it comes to that, your problem is my problem too. We’re in the same boat. Now, tell me what’s wrong.”

“... Since when were you so logical about this stuff?”

“So you admit I’m right?”

“No. Leave me alone.” 

Hisoka’s eyebrows furrowed in a scowl. Stubbornly, he gave in to the fact that he was fighting a losing battle with his impassable brother. Turning on his heel, he made to leave, but not before a sudden realisation seized his body.

“No, you want to -”

“Hisoka-kun!” A voice shouted from across the room.

“Arisugawa, volume.” 

Tasuku and Homare stood together in the doorway, the rest of Winter not far behind them.

“Hisoka-kun, we need your opinion on something. Will you accompany us for a little while? Or are you busy?”

Hisoka looked back over his shoulder at his brother.

“Go. They need you.” Chikage simply said, not turning to face him.

“... Ok ok, I’m coming.” Hisoka replied, returning to his default unenthusiastic tone. He walked reluctantly away from Chikage, who barely moved a muscle in response to the interruption. As soon as the door closed, the room descended back into a relaxed hum of conversation. With a deep sigh, the tension in Chikage’s body released. Even from outside the door he could hear the sound of Winter laughing in unison like a chorus of bells. Something about it cut him deeply, whether he chose to admit it to himself or not.

_You don’t deserve that._

_Not after what you did._

_Selfish._

_Selfish._

_Disgusting._

Clenching his teeth, Chikage abruptly set his mug down on the table with an ungraceful and unintentionally loud _thud_. He strode out of the room filled with purpose, that purpose being purely to get away from everything.

_Don’t let them see you like this._

_Weak._

_You’re weak._

_Leave._

_Go._

_Run._

Gliding through the halls like a ghost, he paid no regard to those who called after him. Head still ringing both from internal and external noise, his greatest wish in the moment was to sever it from his shoulders just to get it to stop. As soon as his foot was out of Mankai’s front door, his walk sped to a run. He was aware of how irrational his behaviour was, what with not having a clue about where he was heading, as long as it wasn’t a place full of people, much less people that claimed to care for him. The smell of the crisp air as it violently lashed against his body coupled with the ceaseless rain only further invigorated his desire to escape from it all. Raising his head to scan the unlit streets, he suddenly remembered just the place to go. It was the only place he knew would reconnect him with his purpose, ground him again, and rid him of these foolish what-ifs.

He continued running in what he hoped was the right direction, unsure of the route he had taken in his mad dash from the theatre. And yet, there was also something so gratifying to him about being completely and utterly lost, alone in the dark and pouring rain. In passing, he heard the obnoxious drunken prattle of those with an equal lack of sense to be out so late at night - coupled with the fact that his surroundings had now become wildly unfamiliar, he found himself being pushed further yet over the edge, his senses dulled by fear and adrenaline. Filthy street corner after street corner passed him by; Chikage wondered if the atmosphere of the city was always this asphyxiating while he hopelessly gasped for air. When he began to think he would never escape, he at last found himself separated only by a silent road from a clearing of murky grassland. By this point, everything had blurred into one. With one last push of his stamina, he crossed over, feeling his heart lurch with anticipation. And yet, having made it halfway across, one wrong step sent Chikage suddenly slipping, face meeting the soaked, muddy ground.

He lay there for a moment, dull pain flashing across his front as the metallic tang of blood from his tongue, which he had bitten on his descent, gushed throughout his mouth. His body was lead from top to toe, every ringing heartbeat feeling like it was pushing right through his body and to the floor, keeping him pinned down. He felt sick to his stomach, never wanting to move, in the hope that somehow he would sink into the dirt and be forgotten there.

  
  


“April… April…”

With a start, he pushed his body upright with trembling arms. The first thing he realised was that the rain had stopped.

The second thing he realised was the sound of crashing waves, as his senses began to return to him. 

_Thank god, I made it._

The third thing he realised -

“April!”

Chikage summoned all of his strength to stand, weakly ambling closer to the direction of the voice. The shadows cleared, as found himself locking eyes with an all-too familiar figure.

“Aug… ust…”

  
  


“April… No, Chikage. Please don’t keep doing this to yourself, I’m begging you.” The concern on his face was real, even though Chikage was sure _he_ wasn’t.

With the one person he knew he would understand within his line of sight, Chikage suddenly began to blurt out all the thoughts he had previously kept bottled up. He raced through his words at top speed, no matter how little sense they made in the moment.

“I… I’m doing it for December. For his happiness and safety. There’s no other way. You never know what will happen in the future, with the organisation, and-.” He took a deep breath, his composure slowly reappearing within him. “Please understand, August. I’m doing this for you, too.”

“But what does it mean to me if you’re not happy too?” 

A pain sharper than anything Chikage had ever felt stabbed him through the throat.

“You can let your guard down now. Isn’t everything ok? You don’t have to worry about July, about anyone there. They won’t come for him anymore. Remember what happened.”

“No… that’s not true.” Realising the nature of this sudden vision, Chikage tried to resist its words. It couldn’t really be August, even with its stubborn nature shining through with every word. “Getting too comfortable is a risk I can’t take.”

“This is your life now, Chikage - I can’t understand what you’re still so afraid of!”

“I can’t lose December too!”

At once, it sounded like even the raging sea had frozen in place.

August’s state of animated anger seemed to fall away. He desperately, remorsefully tried to make eye contact with the man before him, adopting a softer tone of voice as he spoke.

“Chikage… everyone at Mankai cares for you deeply. _I_ care for you deeply. You know that. If telling the Spring Troupe about me is what will give you peace of mind, then-”

“No… no. I can’t let anyone get in danger… because of me.”

“It’s either that or you leave the organisation altogether, isn’t it?” He said, a quiet ruthlessness behind his words. It seemed to be the only way to get Chikage to understand.

“I- I… You know that’s not…”

August sighed, a bittersweet expression adorning his features.

“It’s just as I thought. Despite everything, you’re still living as ‘April’. ‘Chikage Utsuki’ is merely the name of the mask you wear. It hurts, you know? After all those hours I spent picking out the perfect name for you. _You_ , you.” He sighed dramatically. “And the kanji sounded so badass too...” It appeared that this vision had even maintained August’s habit of cracking a joke at the worst of times to lighten the mood. “I gave you that name because I wanted you to leave yourself as ‘April’ behind.” His eyes met Chikage’s as he flashed him an apologetic smile. “But with the way things worked out, I can understand how that might not have been easy for you.” Feeling his already sore eyes begin to sting, Chikage bit down on his lip hard.

“I thought it would be so easy to just hide everything.” His hoarse voice barely carried above the intensity of the wind. “It _was_ so easy to hide everything. For their sake, and for myself. But now - since that night - it’s spilling over, everywhere, and - and I can’t control it.” _It’s just like the first performance of Oz_ , he remembered, wincing as he recalled the mess he was, the mess that the Spring Troupe, director and audience all had the joy to witness, and responsibility to clean up after. _I’ve gone right back to square one,_ he thought. _I can never let that happen again._

“Those guys aren’t children, Chikage. They can handle the truth. I trust whatever path you choose. But you have to choose one.” 

Chikage gave no reply.

“There’s nothing wrong with getting comfortable.” August continued. “If something were to happen, I know you would be able to protect everyone with no issue regardless. You’ve always been like that. You’re just as much a part of Mankai as anyone else - I don’t buy this “protector-from-the-shadows” thing for a minute.”

Neither spoke as the wind whistled through the distance between them.

“I know you’re not convinced. I think that’s why… I think you need to hear it from them.” With a single blink of the eye, the vision began to lose its colour, fading slowly into the air as if it had never manifested to begin with.

“Wait… wait, no! August, come back! Please, no, I’m sorry-!” 

It was too late. Once again, August had disappeared too soon, slipping through Chikage’s fingers like sand before he could so much as process his absence, or say all the things to him that he truly wanted to. Looking over the cliffside, his breath became quick, shallow, in a futile attempt to stop the tears welling up in his eyes from escaping. Memories of wasted years, of kindness taken for granted made his chest ache with regret.

_What should I do?_

_August, please tell me._

_Please tell me._

_Don’t leave me alone again._

_Nothing makes sense anymore._

_I can’t go on._

_I can’t -_

  
  


“Chikage-san!”

He heard an ear-splitting scream from across the field, at once making him jump right out of his skin.

Squinting through the darkness, he saw a figure emerging out of the fog. Though thoroughly convinced he was hallucinating at first, it soon became as clear as the stars that had begun to appear in the sky.

Sakuya was the one who had screamed. He was bolting across the field; Masumi, Tsuzuru, Itaru and Citron hot on his heels. Stunned, Chikage froze on the spot, not moving a muscle until they were no more than a foot away from him. They loudly wheezed and spluttered, clutching their chests, the fear in their eyes seeming to burn right into him. 

“Oh my god… oh my god.” Tsuzuru broke the unbearable silence, repeating his words again and again through desperate gasps of dry breath. “We thought… we thought you were going to jump.” Chikage’s eyes widened, releasing a shaky breath.

“No -. N… No.” He laughed a little through his words, though the expressions of everyone in front of him told him how inappropriate it sounded in the moment.

“We heard…” The quiver in Itaru’s voice both from fright and exhaustion shook Chikage to his core. “We heard from some guys at the d… the dorms… the way you took off so… suddenly. Hiso… Hisoka said that you might… be he… here.”

“Are you… are you hurt, Chikage?” Masumi choked out, eyeing Chikage up and down with alarm.

“No!” His voice came out in more of a shout than intended. “No… I… I’m sorry… everyone, I -”

“It’s ok, you… you don’t have to explain anything to us.” Sakuya had begun to regain control of his breath. “We’re just so glad you’re safe. Please… please don’t do that again.”

“That’s right. Please, let’s head back. The others… they’re all worried sick about you.” Citron said, holding onto Itaru’s shoulder, trying to stop his knees from giving way under him.

Taking in the scene before him, Chikage swallowed so hard that he reeled in the pain for moments afterwards.

_Look what you’ve done._

_Look at you, causing all this trouble for them._

_Again._

_Disgusting._

_They deserve better than this._

_They deserve better than you._

He was fixed to the spot, head down, eyes cast to the floor, shoulders shaking. Every second he spent trying to keep his tears at bay only fuelled the pain and vulnerability he felt now that he had an audience to his slow but sure breakdown.

_Pathetic._

_You look pathetic._

_You said it wouldn’t happen again._

_Weak._

_You’re weak._

He kept his eyes stiffly shut in the childish notion that if he couldn’t see his surroundings, they would simply melt away. That he would wake up back at the dorms, bump his head on the ceiling, and redo this entire deplorable day. The moment felt excruciating, endless; he half wished that he really _did_ have the will to take a running leap off the edge of the cliff, if only to bring it to a merciful end.

And yet suddenly, as if that overwhelming urge in him was sensed, he felt the sudden, tingling touch of skin against his hand. A set of fingers gently interlaced with his, their touch delicate yet purposeful.

…

Sakuya.

Not long afterwards did another hand, a seemingly more awkward one, assume position on his shoulder. It was warm and a little clammy, shifting slightly as if unsure of its placement. However it was earnest and above all; comforting.

Chigasaki.

Following this, Chikage’s other cold, limp hand was swiftly lifted from its stationary position by his side. A feeling of warmth enveloped it as he felt the tight grasp of two hands cupping it from either side with sincerity. 

Citron.

Then, another touch, this time to his back. A pair of fingers slowly rubbed it in a circular motion with the tender care of someone soothing a young child to sleep.

Tsuzuru.

Finally, a sudden grip to his wrist, a hand clumsy yet firm. It seemed to tether him there, as if telling him not to run anymore.

Masumi.

Chikage’s very heart seemed to shudder as he skipped a breath, almost choking. Squinting his closed eyes, he felt his whole body give in to the tears that were long, long overdue to come out.

With a shaky inhale and a final, strangled sob, he proceeded to cry out into the night. Feeling his beloved family’s grip on him tighten as he wailed. He felt grounded, safe, warm even, despite the cold air and his damp clothes having chilled him to the bone.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” He cried fervently, barely understanding his own words through his violent sobs. “For everything, I’m…”

“Shh.” He broke off his hysterical rambling as Tsuzuru’s soothing voice echoed in his ears. “It’s ok. We’re here.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything, Senpai.” Itaru rested his head on his senior’s shoulder, the sudden surge of warmth making Chikage’s chest buzz.

  
  


“Why… why did you come for me?” Chikage asked, eyes still fixed on the damp grass beneath his feet.

“You crossed the ocean to come for me when I lost my way. I couldn’t possibly have stood by and not done the same for you.” Citron said, his usual jovial tone replaced with one of steely purpose. “We’re family, after all.”

“We thought you might have been having a bad day. From now on, talk to us when that happens. We worry.” Masumi murmured, trying his best to make eye contact.

“But… but... “

_August was right._ Now that the clouds over his conscience had cleared, Chikage realised in hindsight what a wholly stupid thing it was to have only just realised. He barely even wanted to admit it, but there it was; the truth. Undeniable, unfiltered, laid bare. _He_ was laid bare, and god knows how he fully anticipated those all-too familiar feelings of defenselessness and fear to swallow him whole. And yet, he found himself filled with a newfound sense of security.

  
  


Sakuya opened his still quivering lips to speak once more. “We still don’t know what you’re going through, but you don’t have to -”

“Someone special to me passed away here.” 

His mouth had acted before his brain for the first time in his life. It wasn’t as though there was a coin in sight to help him make the decision to come out with it or not. He accepted that it was a truth too important for lowly tricks.

Telling the truth made him feel like he had just entrusted a part of his soul to the people before him, like he was suddenly stripped naked, completely defenseless. The group stayed hushed as the faces of those he could see clearly twisted into shock. Though it didn’t match the shock Chikage felt at the spontaneity of his own actions.

“I’m so sorry, Chikage-san.” Sakuya said in a whisper, after a long silence.

“It’s ok. It was a long time ago.” The corners of Chikage’s mouth were pulled upwards by an invisible force, accepting his tears as they continued to fall. “He was stubborn, and a busybody. He showed me what the warmth of a family was like, even if we met in less-than-desirable circumstances.” Even as he lifted his head up to the sky, he could feel everyone around him smiling; connecting with the words he said. “It took me some time to remember, but I know he would have wanted me to live like this, as an actor, the way I am now. He would have wanted me to move past my grief, and make a new family.”

“And isn’t that what you did?” Chikage quickly looked down to face Citron, who grinned with a comforting pride as he spoke.

“That’s right.” Chikage found himself saying without thinking, out of a workplace habit of simply agreeing with whoever was speaking to him. “That’s… that’s right.” He repeated, processing the words with more care this time. “The truth is, I’m still settling in, even after all this time. I’m still trying to process that this is my life now, that I’m an actor. I really can be a sorry excuse for a member of Mankai at times.” Seeing a few eyes and mouths begin to widen in protest, he added: “Please don’t deny it.”

“Chikage-san, you expect too much of yourself. It’s ok, you know.” Tsuzuru said, eyes flashing with a reassuring look.

“Right - it’s not like you can always lid and wreathe theatre.” Citron continued.

Itaru shook his head. “‘Live and breathe’, right?”

“Unless you’re Sakuya.” Added Masumi matter-of factly, to which Sakuya laughed.

“Unless you’re me.”

Chikage smiled warmly at their familiar antics, full of relief that what he’d done hadn’t caused too much of a rift in the atmosphere of the Spring Troupe he knew and loved. 

_“_ Hah, that’s not quite what I mean.” Chikage took a sharp inhale. “It’s no secret that I haven’t exactly been the most transparent with all of you. It should have been a no-brainer to tell you all about this from the start, but…” A surge of the day’s memories flooded through him, reliving the shame of his impulsive actions. “It… it was hard.”

Sakuya gave a vehement, knowing nod. _That’s right_ , Chikage thought, remembering the lead up to Oz. _Sakuya and I aren’t so different after all, are we_ . _All of us - we’re cut from the same cloth._ “We understand, Chikage-san. But you were so strong to tell us, to trust us - even if it took some time.” The others nodded in turn, expressing their agreement.

_Strong._

Feeling his eyes prickle with tears once again, he abruptly held his sleeve up to his face. Through the initial musty scent, it still smelled faintly fresh and sweet - just like August.

“Say, your hoodie looks like it’s seen better days, Chikage-san.” Tsuzuru suddenly noted, snapping Chikage out of his melancholy. He peered at the stains that dotted along the arm of the black hoodie. It had gotten to the point where they looked like an abstract pattern of sorts, as purposeful as if they’d been there to begin with.

“Mm, it’s strange to see my clean and well-kept Senpai like this. Shall I throw it in the laundry for you when we get back?” 

_Chigasaki… offering to do my laundry for me? Now there’s something you don’t hear every day._

“Maybe… Maybe it is time this got washed.” Chikage said softly, smiling apologetically seemingly at the hoodie itself.

“Wait, seriously? I thought you were gonna say ‘thanks Chigasaki, but I can do it myself’. Come on, you’re not telling me -”

“Oh? I just thought I should take you up on your generous offer.”

“Damn it.” Itaru kicked the dirt in defeat.

With that, the voices of the whole troupe rang out in laughter into the newfound stillness of the night. The sound was familiar to Chikage, but so special. He wished that he could take this very moment and preserve it within his pocket forever, as a means to remind him on days such as these that he was never truly alone. Even if they were all out at an ungodly hour of the night, almost frozen solid with shaking limbs and tear streaked faces, Chikage had never felt more alive.

“I’m ready.” Chikage said firmly, bidding an internal goodbye to both his precious moment and his precious person. Though he could no longer see him, he could feel him smiling down on him with pride.

_Thank you._

_Thank you for everything._

“Ok, Chikage-san. Let’s go home.”

\--

The glare of the morning sun awoke Chikage with a start. Breathing heavily, he scanned his surroundings with vigilance. He had no recollection of what had happened after they had left the cliff last night. Rapidly blinking the sleep out of his eyes, his brain finally registered the heaving weight across his arm and lower body.

_Chigasaki? Citron?_

The sound of soft breathing from all around him was the next thing to reach his senses.

_Everyone is here._

_..._

_I’m getting some serious déjà vu right now._

_I’m… this is my room. Yeah, no mistaking it - there are wires absolutely everywhere._

_There’s a futon beneath me._

_I… I slept._

_I feel good._

_I feel really good._

It was true, though difficult to believe after his hell on earth for a week. As cliché as it sounded, Chikage felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his mind.

“Mgh…” The weight on his arm began to shift and stir. “G’mornin’, Senpai. Did you sleep well?” The way Chigasaki sleepily slurred his words made Chikage brim with an odd fondness.

“Hm… now, did I?”

“Senpai.”

“Ok fine, sorry. I slept… really well, actually. Thanks, Chigasaki.” Chikage suddenly felt a profound sense of confusion hit him across the head. “Say, what time is it?”

“Let’s see… it was about 1am when we got in, and now it’s…” Itaru trailed off, grabbing his phone out of god knows where. “... 1pm.”

“Good god. And - what on earth happened after we left the cliff last night?”

“Ah, right.” Itaru’s eyes narrowed. “You straight up passed out while we were walking back across the field. We had to carry you back home on our shoulders.”

“Oh.” Was all Chikage replied, embarrassment faintly tinting his cheeks pink. _Oh no. Now I really have become Hisoka. Gross._

“Haha, it’s cool. You’re lighter than you look.”

“Oi, what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing, nothing-.”

“Look, can we just not talk about this? About any of this? To anyone? Ever?”

“You have my word-.” Itaru said in a sing-song tone, smiling mischievously. Chikage raised an unconvinced eyebrow. “Ok, geez - you can have Sakuya’s word when he wakes up. There’s no way you won’t believe him, what with his honesty.”

Chikage sighed, a little too puffy-eyed and drowsy to launch any more sarcastic comments at his roommate. Suddenly, he heard the faint buzz of his own phone. Resting on Itaru’s couch, it was conveniently within arm’s reach.

_saw u and the spring guys come in last night. hope ur ok_

Unmistakably, it was from Hisoka.

_I am, thanks._

_did you tell them?_

_Yes._

_im glad, chikage_

_Me too._

Chikage replaced his phone back on the couch, closing his eyes once more.

Although abrupt, Chikage felt as though April had finally been laid to rest in that field by the cliff. How tragic, yet how comforting it felt to know that August, December and now April had all been left behind in that very same place, together. Behind his eyelids, he could still see the three of them, their faces glowing with the warmth and solace of home as they baked gingerbread together on Christmas Day. Although more precious than all the treasures in the world, it was a memory that was now sleeping soundly in his distant conscience, along with April himself.

Now, he felt filled with a drive to move forward, to live in the present - to live, full stop. To cherish his new family and each day of his new life as it came.

Because this morning, he had awoken as Chikage Utsuki of Mankai Company.


End file.
